Cancercare pamphlet for helping chidren deal with cancer

Here is some good basic information on talking with kids about cancer:

http://www.cancercare.org/pdf/booklets/ccc_helping_children.pdf

Wait, what just happened?!

So far, I have only shared my feelings about dealing with cancer.  Cancer is a confusing and upsetting roller coaster ride.  Dealing with a teenager can be described with those words as well.  If you are dealing with these two things simultaneously I advise you to lock your self in the bathroom and cry quietly.

I remember the six hour drive home from my parent’s after discovering that Mom had cancer.  I cried of course, just enough to make the lonely drive hazardous-so I  drove carefully and took  my time.  I was not in any hurry to get home and share the news with my kids, who were 6,8 and 14 at the time.  I knew that they would have questions that I was not prepared to answer. What ever came up though, I wanted to be honest with them.

So, I sat them down at the dining room table and told them that Grandma had cancer, and made an effort to explain what exactly cancer is. I told the kids that the Dr.  would give Grandma medicine that would make her feel sick but would also hopefully make her live longer.  Then, I told them that she would probably not get better.  My mistake was in using the word “probably”.

The kids didn’t ask as many questions as I thought that they would, so I stood from the table feeling like I had done as good a job as possible preparing myself for the discussion, and had given my kids an adequate view of the situation: not too much, not too little information.   I was struck though when my 8 year old said: “When Grandma gets better can we….”. I don’t remember the end of the sentence here, but I remember thinking “Wait, I am sure I just told them that she would not get better!” Exhausted I let his question slide and told him we would see about it (whatever the question was).

As the weeks past, I realized that my youngest children, both boys-were dealing with their Grandmother’s illness in the way that children should. They were optimistic, had faith that medicine and doctors could solve the problem, and just could not imagine the finality of death.

However, having just stuck both feet firmly into the hormonal pool that is adolescence,  my teenage daughter was not as blessed with the blinders of optimism.  Though she was a  good student in the honors program, she immediately began to miss assignments, fail tests and display a generally crappy attitude about everything.

It’s been the  worst feeling to watch my daughter struggle to maintain a solid sense of self throughout this ordeal.  While she is back on track (for the moment), it has taken a lot of work on everyone’s part.  We have kept a close watch on her grades, encouraged her to maintain healthy relationships and yes-we have taken her to therapy.  She has hated every minute of it-and so have I most days.

I knew this was coming-that my little girl would eventually be taller, prettier and smarter than I am.  I  and have had years to think about how I would parent my daughter through being a teen- which were the most difficult years of my life.  Adding “death of a loved one” to her list of challenges is not something that I wanted for her (or any of my kids, or myself for that matter), but here we are.

Right now, my daughter prefers not to talk about Grandma’s illness.  In fact, right now, she doesn’t do much talking to me period.  Again-I was prepared for this, but it still hurts.